To those who see me regularly, you have probably sensed I've been pretty damn gloomy recently. This is the first time I've managed to properly write about it...
I've come to learn my struggle is realising the country I thought I lived in simply doesn't exist. And it never existed in the first place.
Most my life I've been very politically naive.
Nothing had prepared me to witness the political repression, media scams, government dishonesty.
The more I read about our history, the more horrified I become. The society we're taught to glorify and be patriotic about never even existed.
I'm still in shock over the fact that we now know for sure the government fabricated "evidence" that sent British to their deaths in Iraq. Not only did our elected MPs not care about the innocent Iraqi civilians our soldiers killed - they also didn't care about the soldiers. They told lies that resulted in their deaths.
How can a government that doesn't even care about it's soldiers care about brown, black and poor people?
That's just one of the basic questions that have haunted me since the day of Brexit and the day of The Chilcot Report.
I received a hate crime after Brexit happened and it has woke me up a bit.
A lot of that 52% (not all of them, I know) view the world in a lens of white gaze where white supremacy is rooted in the viewfinder. I have felt whiteness at its most oppressive in the recent weeks. It's claustrophobic and it's scary for a person of colour.
Having overwhelmingly voted to remain, us young people feel betrayed by the older generation who turned their back on Europe. We have a bleak future where we must live with the choices we have not made. And I sense this rage isn't fading.
Working in Westminster where I work has been dispiriting to say the least. It's difficult to breathe. The air is stuffy and polluted with the government's lies and the truth of our so-called democracy.
Ignorance is bliss. If you have the option to pick and choose what politics/media you listen to, then I envy you very much right now.