Relationship Realness #5: Realisations & Resolution
The Fifth Poetic Chapter from Kayssie K's crazy journey of self-destruction, self-hatred and redemption. We follow her story of first love, and how, by accident, a boy taught a writer to love and respect herself. FYI Each entry features original diary entries written during the relationship, and to understand each piece better, please check out the author's note.
Realisations & Resolution
Words by Kayssie K.
I've been trying to get something out of you, to get you talking about how you really feel; put your heart on your sleeve and be honest for once. I'm way over the point in my life where I'm looking for pots of gold at the end of a rainbow, I know they don't exist. I just want to know what you think without the embellishments. I'd be way better than I am right now.
And that's all I've wanted.
All that “children talk” may have drove me crazy but, I was willing to compromise for you. I was always looking for ways that I could somehow accommodate you in the end.
Maybe, you would meet me half way so the journey wouldn't have been too hard to bare.
Maybe, I'd have changed my mind this time next year.
I kept feeling like I was in a limbo because it felt like you weren't telling me what you meant. You left it up to me to put together your actions and words, so I became Charlie Reed and I did it.
You had hinted on being "friends with benefits", which to me hinted that you were willing to use me. It felt like even when I'd said no, you'd presume to do so without my permission, behind my back. This made sense since, obviously, you had broken up with me (in the future). I just didn't know why you were holding on to me. I knew I was holding on because I loved you. But, why were you?
I watched you consistently treat me better and use endearments when you were about to ask me for money. Your constant mentioning of your birthday presents led me to think that's why you kept me around. To make it worse, when I asked you what we were, you said that “we should talk about it after my birthday”. To me, this further confirmed my accusations, you wanted your gifts then you would leave me. I remember getting pissed off because you had made me question your love for me, and I don't think a person could make the person they love question that. Love just doesn't work that way. It's already hard to suppress. You wouldn't put the person you love in those shoes, even if you wanted to! But you made me.
To me, this said it all. So, I broke up with you to spite you. Then, I felt guilty and I missed you, so I made up excuses to see you (your presents).
I remember being so upset the day I gave you the last gift, because not only was I out of excuses, but you'd treated me like crap. On that bus to my friend's house, was the first tear I dropped over a guy. You didn't bother say “I saw them” or “thank you”. No. You didn't. Because I don't deserve it right?
So, I left it for a month and busied myself until all thoughts of you were silenced. Then you texted me, saying you wanted me to try again. So I took time to make sure I thought out what to say. I decided the only way to fix this was to outright hear how you felt and not assume. I needed oral confirmation. So, I asked you (I freaking vomited out all my feelings until I was empty), only for you to crush them and act like you didn't care. You couldn't even let go of your pride for a second to let me know what was going on. Obviously, your pride meant more to you than I ever did. I had stripped myself of all my pride and told myself that if I was going to try, I would give everything I had left. And I did.
And you “joked”.
That was my second tear...
I got angry and decided that if you couldn't be honest with me, then this was pointless. If you couldn't even try to open up a bit or try to communicate with me then maybe you didn't even love me or want this at least half as much as I did, (because I had broken myself more than once just so I could love you and let you in). Especially, considering that the last time I told you how I felt, you never replied and your friends had to beg you text me back and put it behind you? RED FLAG!
If I give in, I would be feeding your pride and losing my dignity. And honestly, I've learnt if someone isn't investing in you, they're only there to feed from you. I mean, if you couldn't humble yourself for a second, to the girl you supposedly loved, then what was the point of trying if you'd always degrade me/ make me upset just to prove a point.
I'm not going to force you to treat me like you love me... No. I deserve better than that (someone who actually does love me) not just someone who will only treat me like they do.
I've had people bend their backs for me, so I have no doubt that I'll find better. I'm just a bit upset it couldn't have been you. I would give you the advice to be transparent with your next girl but your next girl, might not be your love. I believe when you fall in love you'll know just how to treat her. It's like a reflex.
I'm just so glad you gave me the opportunity to learn more and making me smile when I didn't want to. God only knows just how much I needed that.
I'm not expecting a reply from you.
In fact, I think it's better you don't. I'm doing this for closure. I officially think I'm ready to close this door and I don't mind if this seems like a funny or stupid illogical thing to do. Everyone has their healing process. This is mine. I just needed to rid myself of any unspoken words before closing the door.
Quite honestly, this piece was the hardest for me to share. I wrote this letter as a journal entry at 2am soaked in tears of fatigue from trying and failing, but shortly after, I thought to send it to him. Remember, I had problems communicating with him clearly, so after the total of two months of breaking up, going back and ignoring him, I came to a conclusion. Maybe, just maybe, I'm being irrational. Maybe, he has no idea why this is happening and I'm low-key crazy. My theory was that if I managed to let him know every dark thought in my mind, if he really loved me, he would know how and what to do and he would never put me in that position again. Not knowingly at least. Of course, he could just lie and pretend but consistency speaks louder than both words and actions. It was also my last attempt of declaring my freedom by putting to light all my insecurities and secrets so that my demons would have nothing more to feed on.
I remember the unbearable pain of trying to break myself so I could talk about emotional things to a person who wouldn't dare risk his pride to tell me that, "Quite honestly, I don't like you anymore." It was brutal. However, I believe that it's in pain that your strength is revealed, your boundaries are stretched and you begin to grow. My friend once told me to hang on, because "these are just growing pain." This is quite unsatisfying advice when you're going through hell, but I've learnt that the truth in that saying. It holds more hope than you would imagine.