Relationship Realness: Closure - Love & Forgiveness
The Final Chapter from Kayssie K's poetic journey of self-destruction, self-hatred and redemption. She's unraveled her emotions and memories of first love to reveal how, by accident, a boy taught a writer to love and respect herself. FYI Each entry features original diary entries written during the relationship, and to understand each piece better, please check out the author's note.
Love & Forgiveness
Words by Kayssie K.
I haven't been bitter but sometimes when I think about it all, it's hard not to wish that I was. Sometimes, I feel something that is close to missing you but I know that in reality, what I am is far from it. Perhaps, I miss the affection and attention. Even though I know not even half of it will ever amount to what I deserve.
I heard you cheated on me with four other girls. I can only be grateful that I am over you or I would've lost myself in the frenzy of hurt. Now I pity all the women in your life. I doubt that you will ever love them as much as they deserve, no matter how amazing they are.
I have forgiven you, but when I think about how you degraded me and forced me into the skin of someone else when I was never your priority (as you were mine) and how you knew how to make a lie into truth, I feel even more delusional that you ever made me feel. Imagine finding out you were right, after feeling insane for months, when it is no longer relevant. That is me, now.
I love you, but I would never punish myself by being with you. You're not what I want. You’re not what I need. You’re not what I deserve. If you ever read this, I want you to know that all of us did, no matter how unworthy you may have seemed.
There will come a time when you are searching for those words. They lay washed up on our lips, but we will never spill them. Self-destruction is the worst destruction that there is.
This the last piece of the series. This series could've been a revenge series on my first love but it is not. It isn’t an opportunity to bad mouth my ex in public, it’s far from that. I have told him so many times that breaking my heart was one of the best things that have ever happened to me, I would do it again in a heartbeat to be who I am now. I thank him for it. Sometimes, it’s hard to suppress your achievements and your lessons if they could potentially help someone else.
I wrote this series because I feel most of us go through similar elements with different things in our life, whether it is family, career etc. It's so easy for us to sweep seemingly miniature unresolved problems under the rug. However, when you turn your back on the enemy, it will mount up and attack.
For me, this was one of the biggest self-love journeys that I had to go through. I had to hate myself, forgive myself before I could love “me” in all my dimensions. It wasn't the most exciting thing to do but it made me wiser, more loving and forgiving. However, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. It just means letting go, for your sake.
I hope that whomever you are that reads this, whether you're struggling with self-hate or unforgiveness, that you've learnt that you have to let yourself grieve and teach yourself to love again. It doesn't happen immediately but, make it your priority and it will happen.