Short Story: Bible for Kids - The Garden of Eden and the Serpent
Words: Ian Jones
When the first rains had watered the earth, God made man. He took clay and moulded it into his own shape. Then he breathed life into the clay, and gave man a living soul. This first man was called Adam. God gave him a beautiful garden to live in, called the Garden of Eden, in which God had planted flowers and fruit trees of every kind. God told Adam that he could eat the fruit of every tree in the garden except one, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. “Eat from that tree,” God said to Adam, “and you will surely die.”
Adam was content with his life in the garden, but God saw that of all the creatures he had made, only man had no partner. So God put Adam into a deep sleep, and while he was sleeping, God took a rib from Adam’s side. From this rib God made a woman, whose name was Eve, to be a wife and a companion to Adam Adam and Eve lived happily in the garden. But there was one creature in the garden who wished to make trouble between God and man. This was the serpent, who was the most cunning of all the creatures God had made. One day the serpent found Eire alone in the garden, and he whispered in her ear, “You will not die if you eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. You will understand everything, and you will both be like gods.”
Eve believed the serpent, and wanted to be a god. She took the fruit and ate it, and gave it to Adam, and he ate it too. At once everything changed. They felt guilty and unhappy for the first time. Also, they were ashamed of their nakedness, so they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves up.
That evening, Adam and Eve heard God walking in the garden, and they hid themselves among the trees. “Where are you?” God called out to Adam. Then Adam had to come out of hiding. “I heard your voice,” he said to God, “and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself.”
“Who told you that you were naked?” God asked him. “Have you eaten the fruit of the forbidden tree?” “The woman made me do it,” Adam said.
“Why did you do it ?” God asked Eve. “The serpent made me do it,” she replied.
God grew very angry and put a curse on the serpent. Then he turned to Adam and Eve. “Because you have disobeyed me,” he said, “I will send you out of the Garden of Eden into the wilderness, where life will be hard for you. Woman will give birth in pain, and man will have to work hard to raise crops, until he dies. I made you out of dust, and you will return to dust.”
So Adam and Eve had to leave the garden where they had been so happy, and God set an angel to guard it with a flaming sword so that they could never return.
According to the above, before God created man he created Playdough. Then he created man with the Playdough. This explains why our testicles are down there, all vulnerable and stupid-looking: God had got giddy with his plasticine, acting daft.
When I first saw this I was a six year old boy, completely in thrall to my parents and The Church. And this is what they offer unto me: NAKED LADY PICTURES.
Of course, the true Holy Sexy Grail for any child of the 80s was Cleo Rocos from The Kenny Everett Show and Benny Hill’s girls. But they were on after bedtime so my first experience of ‘woah I don’t know what this is all about but I LIKE IT’ was staring at Eve’s lovely bottom as she’s about to bring chaos and misery on mankind forever. And in that second picture you can even see a bit of sideboob!
You can see Adam’s muscular arse there too so I guess the same went for girls and gay boys too. If you were a girl or gay boy and you too had your first frisson of excitement to this book please write and let me know. Bit different for you lot though because Christ knows, the Holy Book sure does hate you homosexuals and menstruators, it hates you to HELL.
I post these sexy images of the first people on planet Earth in the hope that other youngsters out there will find them and have their eyes bulge like a Tex Avery wolf as I once did. Forget about your creampies and DPs my friends, feast your eyes on this crayon drawing of a bum covered by some leaves.