Relationship Realness: Unprepared & Stubborn
Royal Integrity brings us the first poetic chapter from Kayssie K's crazy journey of self-destruction, self-hatred and redemption. We follow the story of first love, and how, by accident, a boy taught a writer to love and respect herself. Although, he probably regretted that choice afterwards... Each entry will feature original diary entries written during the relationship, and to understand each piece better, check out the author's note.
Unprepared & Stubborn
Words by Kayssie K.
I hate myself for letting you dig this deep into my heart,
(for being stupid and weak).
Now, my blood sprinkles itself all over my organs every time I try to live...
This is how you want me to die.
For nights I've been writhing underneath the blankets trying to revive myself from this sciamachy*.
If I could crawl out of my own skin I would've by now.
It's getting way too hot to contain me or perhaps my heart has grown cold from the solitude
And you have taken me from my abode
To make yourself my heimat*.
Each day that I let myself sink deeper into your embrace,
is countered with a night designed to destroy you.
I organise my thoughts in categories of the best ways to rid myself of you.
Whether to cut off my limbs –
baptise myself in bleach -
or just rip your head off my heart along with the flesh underneath your canines.
I know, I know better than this.
I know better than falling into a future that doesn't know itself.
I have let myself fall in the pits of your arms and I have found my smile in your palms, but mine are full of everything,
except for the things you desire.
Heimat* – A place you can call home
Sciamachy* - An act of fighting an imaginary enemy
Sometimes, we all have to break bones in order to learn or grant ourselves freedom. If this chapter was a part of my body, I would compare it to my fingers and toes. These were the first bones I broke. Not a big deal to break, but big enough to make a deal out of. See, I had never been the type of person who longed to fall in love like everyone else. I had found my comfort in solitude. So, when my first love waltzed in with a backpack leaning against the GPO pillar, you can trust that my first instinct was to run. It was one of those moments where your brain shouts "Run!" but your body does the complete opposite. That was me, and I hated myself for it. It felt like what I imagine the first shift of a werewolf to feel like, breaking bones and popping them out of place. For the first time, I had become my own enemy.
However, the biggest thing I took away was that sometimes you need to let it happen, you need to break and you need to drown (metaphorically of course!) even if you don’t feel like it. You never know where your freedom/salvation lies. You do not have to hate yourself for feeling some sort of way, it’s like denying yourself and you don’t deserve that. Love yourself, especially when you don’t make sense and when you can’t understand yourself, because those are the moments you’ll need love the most.