Relationship Realness #2: Belonging & Undeserving

Relationship Realness #2: Belonging & Undeserving

Royal Integrity brings us the second poetic chapter from Kayssie K's crazy journey of self-destruction, self-hatred and redemption. We follow the story of first love, and how, by accident, a boy taught a writer to love and respect herself. Although, he probably regretted that choice afterwards... Each entry will feature original diary entries written during the relationship, and to understand each piece better, check out the author's note. 


Belonging & Undeserving
Words by Kayssie K.

I can't afford to include you in my future.
I cannot build my dreams around a person anymore.
Last time I did, they contorted my dreams into living nightmares.

I've had too many friends turn into enemies,
press on my wounds,
And rip the flesh underneath my skin.
So, I’m sorry if I cannot offer you all of me,
There’s barely enough for me already.

I'm sorry, I'm like this.
I cannot spill my heart to you underneath the stars without quaking,
I cannot look into your eyes
without feeling like I'm under attack.

 I cannot carry your legacy,
I do not care for it!
It has never been my wish,
and I'd hate to deceive myself
by saying "I will" just to keep you.
I refuse to punish us for being ourselves.

All these things make me unfit to love you. 

You deserve better than scintillas; a whole.
And me being weak,
Incapable,
And undeserving,
I will always be insufficient.

 If I could, I'd fix myself just for you.
I'd put my pieces back together just for you.
But I can't...
And I'm trying...
And it's not working.
I'm just coming up short
and unworthy every time,
And I know no apology will ever suffice.

I fear the day you hear me tell you this.  
What if you think I'm lying?
What if you think I'm being stupid or lazy?
Worst of all, what if you agree or don't listen...


Author's Note

This was the second stage of my disintegration. I've fallen in love, I've accepted it, you'd think the battle is over. However, during this era in time, I start to realise the holes in our union. We were like pieces of a puzzle, both of the sky, with matching limbs and pits, but we just didn't fit properly. We valued things differently. I had issues with opening up and gender roles imposed along with his culture. I wasn't okay with the idea of being married or having kids like everyone else did. It became very apparent to me that I just wasn't going to cut it! Ever! Not for him at least. I was called things, forced out of my skin, I'd never felt the urge to be someone else until then.

However, that's when I realised that to fit isn't to belong. I had no business contorting myself to fit someone else's expectations, I am not a funambulist. I realised that I deserved more than living my life trying to fit the shoes of his dreams and he certainly deserved his dreams. It didn't mean that I was any less desirable just the way I was. It just meant that I wasn’t the one he was looking for. I hope that you all come to a realisation that you cannot be perfect for everyone. Everyone has a flavour, and some mouths just won't be able handle you, simple.

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Photography by Ayesha Ahmad 
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