Relationship Realness #4: Trials & Tribulations
The Fourth Poetic Chapter from Kayssie K's crazy journey of self-destruction, self-hatred and redemption. We follow her story of first love, and how, by accident, a boy taught a writer to love and respect herself. FYI Each entry features original diary entries written during the relationship, and to understand each piece better, please check out the author's note.
Trials & Tribulations
Words by Kayssie K.
We’ve tried to ignore it,
and now it has awakened,
and ready to eat our asses
as if we were a nandos platter.
You've asked me if my happy isn't you,
Why my future doesn't wear you on its finger.
Well it does now,
Hanging on my neck,
Looped on a necklace
And ready for "now'.
It hurts because
I know, I'm your second choice.
Don't you dare say,
"I never said that, you're over thinking again,"
I could practically hear your thoughts seeping through the phone,
Slitting my heart in pieces.
You want me to wait
and watch you fall in love with better...
You suck because you couldn't be different.. .But if that's the case so do I.
I love you,
but maybe that will never be enough.
And I apologize for being a failure at perfection.
I wanted to love you so much.
My biggest fear is kissing your lips when they are no longer mine.
I know love requires sacrifice,
but how much more of me can I sacrifice before I budge.
You can only ignore something for so long before it begins to eat at you. In our case, so long was eight months. If I had thought that breaking fingers and bending bones was painful, I had never felt paralysis before. I remember regretting breaking myself to love him, I remember hating myself for not being enough and it probably didn't help that he would constantly remind me how insufficient I was. His compliments were like a burnt cake covered in icing. They sounded a little like "You're not the one, but you'll have to do for now." I could practically feel the lack of satisfaction in his kisses.
This was when I decided that I wasn't okay with being a "just in case" girl; it might avoid heartbreak now, but I would be settling, and I wanted better than that for myself. I wanted someone who would look at me and think, "Wow, she’s amazing. How did I even get her?"
Unfortunately, love has a funny way of pulling you back every time, and boy did I have withdrawal symptoms. I had so many people tell me that these weren’t good enough reasons to leave. So again I cried, in confusion, love and heartbreak for weeks. I wish someone had told me that sometimes you need to walk away from situations, despite what people say, think or how you feel. People and emotions are ephemeral. You know what is important to you and how much you’re willing to give up for it. Don’t let people dictate your emotions. People that don't understand will have something to say, but you don't have to live with them forever. You have to live with yourself forever. Of course it won’t be easy, I walked away a thousand times. You just need to be brave enough to pursue and to be determined enough to endure. Otherwise, you risk living the rest of your life regretting selling your dreams for something transient.